What's Say

Last night was Kickin’ ALS. It was a fundraising event that was hosted by the Muscular Dystrophy Association, benefitting the ALS Division. I was a member of the organizing committee, and I helped setting up for the event. 

It was extremely fulfilling being a part of something that I know benefits people that have ALS. I watched my mother suffer, and I watched my family suffer. And being surrounded by people that understand that suffering was incredible, because they all have the same goal. Find a cure for ALS. 

It got pretty emotional for me and my dad at times, but overall it was amazing. I had a great time, and I am so grateful that I was invited to be a part of the committee. 

There are a lot of people out there that do volunteer work because they think it makes them look like a better person. As if volunteering to do nothing but sit on your butt and blabber for three hours makes all of your bad choices in life disappear. However, there are some pople that volunteer because their hearts are in the right place. They have personal connections. They have stories and they have experiences. Those are the people that inspire me. 

My Heart, It Kinda Goes Fast. I’ll Try To Slow It Down For You.

So, I feel like I spend way more time on here complaining than I do actually taking the time to be thankful for all the GREAT things in my life.

This is a really difficult time right now, and I feel like I need to take some time and thank all the people that are making it a little bit easier.

I feel like I should mention my dog first. (Mostly because she’s laying next to me, looking up at me with her puppy eyes that are saying “please mention me.”) She’s a mess, but she never fails to make me smile.

My father. He’s in Florida right now, which is good. I’m glad that he’s there, having fun and getting away from the house. It’s a hard month for him, too. This will get his mind off things and maybe allow him to “blow the stink off” and have a good time. Also, with him being off work I don’t really have any “Just Kori” time, so it’s kind of cool to be able to just sit back and catch up with myself. Things are different now, and I don’t think either of us are the same people we were before my mom died. Everything changed that day, and I’ll admit I was angry about it. I didn’t want my dad to be different. Then I realized that I was different, too. We are both struggling, and I don’t know about him, but I’m trying to find myself and trying to balance living my life to the fullest and feeling like it’s not worth it because my mom’s not here. So, I’m not angry anymore. I understand that this is a GIANT turning point in our lives, and we both need each other’s help and support. So, Dad, I’ve got your back. Forever and always.

My boyfriend, AJ. This month has already been an emotional rollercoaster (and it’s only the 10th) and he’s been there through it. I take a lot of my negative emotions out on him, and he’s still there to rub my back when I cry and tell me that no matter what happens, he’s there for me. He’s extremely good to me (even though some people don’t think he is) and I don’t always deserve it. He makes me extremely happy, and I am so so so lucky to have someone like him in my life as a support system. I love you!

My friends, that are there to listen to me, even when they don’t know what to say. There’s a big communication barrier between me and my friends, since none of them have lost a parent or understand what it feels like, they are there to listen, to give hugs, and to take time out of their lives to tell me “I’m here for you”

I have to go study for my Humanities exam, so TO BE CONTINUED!

Caught In The Worst Storm Inside Of Me

Well, there’s a lot happening this month. 

In Chronological Order:

Finals, spring semester is ending.

Summer classes begin. 

Mother’s day is the 13th. First time not having a mom to celebrate it with. I keep getting e-mails from different stores saying “Surprise Mom This Mother’s Day!” or “Treat Your Mom To The Best This Mother’s Day” or “Give The Most Important Person In Your Life Something Great For Mother’s Day!” It’s like they know. It’s like they’re rubbing it in my face. 

The one year anniversary of my mother’s death is May 17th. 

Kickin’ ALS is May 19th. 

God dammit, I miss my mom. 

All That I Am And Have These Days Can Be Traced Back To You

I’ve been thinking about my mom a lot today. We went to Illinois last weekend, and saw where she was buried for the first time since her funeral there. The experience was nothing like what I expected. It didn’t affect me in the same way that I had anticipated it to. However, leaving the cemetery for the last time before we headed home was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. 

I miss her so much. I think about her everyday. I wish she was here. I wish we were laughing together. I wish I still had my best friend, my role model, and my mother. 

I feel extremely lost, and somewhat broken. I feel like I don’t know where to turn, or what I’m supposed to do. 

I’m happy with my life, I just feel empty. 

Why is life so damn hard sometimes?